previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
you know, Hillip?
Well, we guarded his caravan for a little while.
Do you recognize them? They don't seem to like us.
Be prepared, we might be earning double the wage today if it goes sideways.
All of them let out cries of pain as you see their skin begin to bubble and their clothes begin to melt away.
Sully looks at the scroll, looks at his finger, rolls the scroll back up slowly
and puts it in his bag and then whistles the down in the west bay rune town of Elteriel.
Don't know if I'm gonna have enough for that one, but we'll see when we get there, okay, everybody?
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, we're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast and I'm your dungeon master, Russ More, and with me today is Amy More.
Do you say my name?
Say my name, say my name.
My name is Sullivan Slate.
And Carla Maxted.
That's me and I play Glim.
And Tom Laird.
That's me, I play Moot and feeling a little trepidatious because we have a guest star and last time he was on the podcast, stuff happened.
You're feeling trepidatious, eesh.
Yeah, we have a guest today that everybody's very hesitant for and I don't know why because he's such a lovely person.
From the End of Time and Other Bothers in Alba Salix, it's Sean Howard.
And I'm playing Tiamat.
No, I'm not.
No, we wanted you to come back as Tiamat, but it was hard no.
Too soon.
Too soon, I was told.
I got to wait 40 more episodes before we go.
You're also not, yeah, you're too small of a morsel right now.
Yeah.
That's fair.
It's true.
Just baby characters.
Where?
Let's see this.
I'm ready for this amazing transition.
Something about babies.
That was smooth.
That was really smooth.
Yeah, I'm a professional.
Where I am a professional is over on Patreon.
No, that's terrible.
That's awful.
Patreon, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
What do we have over there?
Somebody else who knows what we're doing tonight?
We have so much bonus content.
It's crazy.
Wall to wall.
Floor to ceiling.
Some of it involves Sean because he's been on the show before.
It's true.
And Facing Fade is over there.
It's so good.
See, Sean knows.
Why can't I know?
I don't even know what I do.
And every episode we dedicate it to a patron.
Like today's episode.
Sean's got the whole thing down.
You know what?
Nobody else knows which patron we're dedicating it to though.
So I got that covered today.
Jonathan Smorgasburg.
Way to go, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Like I can read his writing.
Oh, that's true.
Today's episode is dedicated to Stevie.
Stevie.
Thanks Stevie.
I'm assuming Miss Nix.
The only two time rock and roll Hall of Fame entrance for a woman.
I was thinking Stevie from Schitt's Creek.
Oh, that's a good Stevie.
Stevie Budd, fictional character from a television show.
I love it when fictional characters listen to us.
I'm going to throw you all for a loop with the spelling of this one.
S-T-E-A-V-E-E.
Oh, I love it so much.
Oh, I like it.
Phonetic, but interesting.
As sweet as stevia.
Thank you, Stevie.
But now, fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
Previously, you fine folks were en route out east.
You had exploded a thieves' caravan with a poison orb.
Yeah, Amy sure did.
And some fire breath.
There was a lot of things that happened.
And you had made it to your destination, which was Scornuble,
where you were headed further east, but needed to hire a guide of sorts.
And now we find you with that guide aboard a river raft.
That guide's name is Gru.
Gru is rather suave, blonde hair, five foot nine, human.
Rather narrow build, not overly stocky or anything.
Sharp nose, rather well dressed, but the clothes look a little weathered.
And you're going upstream into Whitewater Rapids, being propelled by magic.
The boat is being tossed back and forth, waves are crashing up and over,
and you hear a crack as the boat hits a rock.
Sully vomits over the side of the raft.
It happens all the time.
No big deal.
Nothing to worry about, everyone.
Should we be worried about that loud crack sound?
Are we sinking?
No, it's still going.
Water appears to be coming up into the boat, though.
You said it was a raft.
Raft.
It's a raft boat.
Yeah, I heard of these before.
It's called a rope for short.
I used to make these.
I was a rotary.
Yeah.
See, you know what I'm talking about.
This is totally normal.
We're totally safe.
I'm just going to press these switches here.
Do something.
Yeah, you press the switches, and everybody else hears...
It's an electronic raft.
Yeah.
I guess they're like magic switches, right?
Like just explosions of...
Not explosions, but loud noises.
As he lets loose the cannon.
Of like magical pulses that just start going off and shooting the raft.
One makes it go up higher.
The other one shoots something down to the ground,
and there's a tiny explosion that goes off.
I'm just working out the bugs.
That's all.
Do we actually know what the switches do?
Yeah, of course we know what the switches do.
Of course.
I am.
I'm a guide.
I'll just leave those alone now.
So where is it exactly that we're going to end up here?
On the shore.
That's a good start.
Moments later, you fall from the sky and crash land at the shore of the river.
You've been traveling from about two days.
There we go.
Just dust yourselves off.
Like I said, we're on the shore.
Did I say we're going to be on the shore?
We're on the shore.
You said we were going to be on the shore.
You did.
I'll give you full credit, Gru.
Sully crawls off the craft and hugs the ground.
I missed you.
How you doing, buddy?
Why don't I help you out a little bit?
You're not looking so good.
I'm just used to a little more finesse to my traveling, you know.
It's a little rough.
I'm going to stroke his back gently, and if he has suffered any damage,
use some of my lay on hands pool to bring him back to full health.
Russ hasn't said you were down hit points, but you know what he's like.
He'll just say it in like 25 minutes or something.
That's right.
Remember when you lost 15 of those hit points during that crazy whitewater rafting that you did?
You only have 15 hit points.
I know.
That sounds about right.
I think, Glam, I feel a lot better.
You look around and you find yourself on the edge of a forest.
You've been traveling south from Scornuble with the intent to head to Burdusk,
which wraps around this forest that you're traveling around following the river.
So the forest is in the middle of Burdusk?
No, Burdusk is on the other side of the forest.
But you, rather than traveling through the forest,
were convinced to travel down the river by group.
Well, here we are due east.
We just got a little bit further to Burdusk.
OK, so just through the forest now or?
Yeah, I think there's a road around here somewhere, I'm sure.
Yeah, look, there it is right there.
Well, you got to walk now?
Yeah, are you going to be OK, Sully?
Well, yeah, but it's just...
Yeah, OK, I guess we can walk.
I suppose we could like build the raft,
take it apart and build it into a wagon or something.
I never really thought about that.
Well, it's been years since I've done any wagoneering, but...
No, no, let's get a little bit of exercise, you know.
Get those legs moving after being stuck on the raft for a few days.
It'll feel good after a while.
Yeah.
I'm just going to disable...
I mean, just park the raft so no one else uses it.
I mean, so nobody follows us.
I mean, for no reason.
He's one shady character.
I kind of like him.
You head due east into the forest following the road, which was there.
And the further in you go, the road becomes overgrown.
Bushes and vines and trees seem like this road hasn't been traveled in quite a long time.
So this is the way, Gru, are you?
You've been this way before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Of course, yeah.
Not a lot of people go to Badoosk, you know.
What a silly name.
I was under the impression that Badoosk was a fairly big city that many people traded in.
And I was just wondering, I thought we took the raft down that crazy fucking river
so that we didn't have to go through this forest.
Is that not...
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, look, a good place for us to camp.
A good camp spot right here, right off the side of the road.
What time of day is it right now?
Noon.
It's noon.
You can never camp too early.
You never know when you're going to find another good spot.
Look, there's a stream.
All right, it's the river we came down.
But you know, it's a good spot.
Does anyone else start to get the feeling that Gru maybe doesn't know what he's doing?
I don't have a lot of faith in his guiding abilities, but he's so fun.
Just seems sort of worth it, you know, just to be on the ride with him.
You guys are feeling...
You guys didn't drink any of that river water, did you?
I mean, yes.
Purposely.
Well, there was a lot of splashing. Some maybe got in my mouth.
I was just saying, normally where there would be levelheadedness and good judgment calls,
I feel like maybe that is now not the case.
We have row reversed and I feel like I'm a little bit out of my depth here.
You feel like we're like chomping your Flava a little bit.
What does that even mean?
Glynn, when did you learn to talk like that?
Oh, you teach her that?
I was in my Zumba class and he's been teaching me all these fun phrases and I just was trying it out.
It seemed awkward saying it, but you know, we were being more like you and it's making you uncomfortable.
Yes, and that also gives me reason to pause, but we don't have time for that.
Apparently we're setting up camp.
I mean, I don't think we have to set up camp.
I got the best spot here for you two, and I got another good spot for you.
Look, I gathered some kindling here.
I mean, a good spot is a good spot, but we can keep walking for a little bit and see if we find another.
Okay, fine. Don't listen to me. Let's walk.
Okay, it's been on you. Just remember, it's on you.
All right, let's go. Walk it on.
Okay.
Maybe the road will open up after we get past some of this overgrown bit here.
How far is it to produce, Gru?
It's a ways, you know?
I don't quite remember. It's been a while.
I mean, I was a kid when we went with my pa.
But it's a ways, you know?
I'm sure it's just going to fight my way through.
The brush is getting a little thick here.
Was anyone else under the impression that he'd been there recently and knew the way?
Previously he said, oh yeah, I've been there lots. I know the way.
I know the way. Where are you going? Come back. I know the way.
I know the way. I do. I know the way. Look, I see another spot ahead.
I'm going to go up to it. You guys catch up.
I feel like I'm hazy on it, but our interview process for this hiring.
We need to ask better questions.
I think we need to not drink when we do it, though. I think that might really be the pot that got us.
Do you think he has any relation to that famous Gru with all the minions?
Maybe.
Something to keep in mind.
You see Gru walking up ahead to a clearing that he sees.
And the three of you notice that it's near a large vine covered cave.
Hey, look at this. This protection from the rain. I'll go check it out.
Um, does it seem to be like a cloudy day?
No, it's quite sunny.
Okay. I nod at Gru and just like, yeah, buddy, you check that cave out.
I think I felt a sprinkle. You guys, I'm not entirely sure that he's totally with it, you know?
What if he's brought us up to the middle of the woods to murder us or something?
I mean, maybe, but why would he want to? He seems like maybe he doesn't have it in him.
Also, he just seems really gung-ho about everything.
And I don't really feel like that's murderer material.
Unless it's about murdering. Murderers are so gung-ho about murdering.
Okay.
That is true. Yeah.
We cut to Gru inside the cave and you kind of clear the vines away.
There's a small trickle of stream that kind of runs out.
And you give a listen and you hear like a low, like deep breathing growl coming from deeper within the cave.
Yo, get Gru's out of here. That was good enough for a cave.
Hey, guys. How are you doing? It's a nice cave.
I don't think we need to stop here though. Let's keep moving.
Look, it's noon. What am I doing? It's not even raining.
Okay.
So was there something in the cave or?
I'm guessing bugbear.
Yeah, no, I don't know. No, nothing in the cave.
You know, I was just looking in. It was fine. Not a big cave. Nothing to look at.
Let me just keep moving here. You know, I'm just going to start down the path here.
I'm going to get you all. Did I say Gru said he promised he's going to get you the beer or something.
I don't know. Whatever it was. I was going to get you there. I'm going to get you there.
How much you were paying this man?
Are we going to the wrong place?
Yeah, I just. I mean, I'm all for a little side adventure, but are we are we paying this man in money?
I don't remember.
He told us he just wanted to do it for the experience, didn't he?
That should have been a sign.
Oh, that should have been the first. Yeah, that's a red flag right there.
That's our bad right there.
That is. Yeah, that's on us.
But you know what? We'll go to the next town and maybe it'll be produced and maybe not.
But we can figure out where to go after that once we're there.
There will be someone there that probably knows how to get to Verdusk.
And if we get lost in this forest forever, we could just eat them.
OK, Sully, I don't. OK, that seems like a step in the too far direction.
We have a lot of supplies with us. It's not.
There's probably creatures and.
You know, what's the case scenario? What's the case scenario?
OK, you're following Gru? Yeah.
Gru, roll me a survival check, please.
Yeah, I'm right on that. Of course, right away.
Hold on just a second. I'm going to look at these stats over here.
Negative two survival.
Daniel Gru over here.
Yeah, I'm rocking. I'm fucking rocking the survival here.
I got a three. Oh, look at this. Hey, guys.
Look, you ever hungry? You can just eat this vine.
See it here on the ground just bobbing right in your mouth.
Really doesn't taste good, but it's healthy.
I don't give you give you good stuff.
Is good stuff a different saying for diarrhea?
No, no, I don't know. Maybe.
You guys will continue to walk following Gru for another hour or so
before you start to notice that he starts starts pointing out things that you don't see.
OK, step step quietly here to the left.
That's that's a tangle vine over there.
And that'll do that. I'll eat your children.
Right. So just this walk on the left side of the path here.
You'll be safe.
So we stay on the path.
Yeah, we're to the left side right here.
See step where I'm stepping. Yeah.
OK, that on the that's a talking stone.
You don't want to go near the talking stone.
OK, just the skirt over here around it.
Yes, I definitely don't see a large stone that needs to be avoided.
Gru, how are you feeling?
I don't know. I'm feeling a little strange.
I got to say, just a little, little off.
You know, sometimes we just feel like everything's OK, but not not everything's OK.
You know, that kind of feeling.
Feeling where you ate a large amount of a mysterious plant in the forest.
And now you are seeing things that aren't there.
Yeah, that kind of feeling. Yeah, I've been there for sure.
Yeah, well, you know, we'll just don't talk to the small people here.
Just don't talk to them. All right, I tried.
It doesn't get you anywhere good.
Gru, you hear movement up in and around the trees as you're going.
It's good to know you're with me here, Sully,
because I was starting to feel like I was going crazy, but now I know I'm crazy.
So I can just ignore the sounds that I'm hearing right now,
because they sound big and like they're moving towards us.
Do I hear any sounds?
Can I make a perception check?
Yeah, I mean, you stop and you listen.
You hear just the gentle breeze passing through,
but nothing particularly tuned to an animal or anything.
Yeah, buddy, don't worry. Everything's fine.
Oh, thanks, Sully.
We're going to get you to a doctor.
I'm not sure why we're still following you, though, to be honest.
I mean, it's just sort of the roughest outline of a path.
We may as well follow it.
Yeah, it's like a contract, right?
You know, it's a contract.
I got to get you to Burdesca or whatever. Yeah.
You guys are going to burlesque, right?
It's not far off now, I'm sure. I'm sure.
Can I try and heal him since I already have established I'm into that today?
Sure, yeah.
What are you trying to do?
Well, so with my lay on hands pool,
I can cure a disease or neutralize a poison affecting a creature,
which is going to be nothing, but I feel like I should try
because Glim doesn't know what's going on with him.
Go for it.
Hey, Gru, and I just like put my hand on his shoulder.
How are you doing, buddy? You feel like you can?
Hey.
You're okay to keep walking?
Yeah, yeah, I like this camaraderie. It's good. Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, does that do anything?
Does that neutralize a poison or make him better?
Yeah, Gru, as you're looking around,
the talking stone and the whipping vine
and the swaying trees that look like they're moving closer to you
all kind of move back into place and fade away.
Whew.
Yeah, okay, let's just keep moving, huh?
Let's just keep moving here.
Don't talk to that tree.
Okay.
So tell me more about this Burduque burlesque. That sounds fun.
A Burduque? Yeah, no, my dad.
My dad took me many times, right?
Many times took me to Burduque.
We'd go to Burduque, hang out, eat a sandwich.
Really good onion sandwiches in Burduque.
The best onion sandwiches, I always say. The best.
Now, is it just onion or is there more to it than just the onion?
You won't believe me, but it's just onion on a bun.
But it's like nothing you've ever had, I say.
Nothing. Like nothing.
Does sauce on it anything?
No, it's got an onion sauce. An onion sauce on onion on a bun.
Is it an onion bun?
Oh, maybe that's the secret. I never thought to ask.
You've traveled, you're following Gru still for whatever reason.
For some reason.
For what seems like a really long time.
But based on his direction, the path has kind of waned off and you're following him.
And after what's probably, I don't know, two or three more hours, it's getting nearer to evening.
You make it back to a spot that is very familiar in that it looks like the cave.
Whoa, hold on. There's another cave.
Can I do a perception check to see if I can see some chewed up vine where he took a big bite out of it?
Sure, yeah.
That is a 20.
Yeah, I mean, you look around and exactly where he took a bite near the previous cave is a big chomp out of vine.
And the more you look at it, the more you realize that this is the same cave as previous.
Well, guys, number one, please nobody eat any of the vine.
Okay, I think I can handle that.
We've all learned that lesson, I hope.
Number two, this is definitely the clearing we were already at.
Yeah, this cave looks really familiar. I never forget a big hole.
Oh, I suppose you all, you guys are the leaders now, huh? You're the scouts, yeah? Okay, go ahead.
I mean, Gru, I think you're the one that brought us back here. I don't...
Did we walk in circles or are we magically back here? Does anyone have any idea how this happened?
Oh, God, last time I was in the woods, I suddenly ended up in a different place.
Gru, make an investigation check.
12.
As you're examining the cave, making up excuses and doing all that, you're keenly tuned to certain things and you notice some footprints.
I am?
I think so. I think so. For story-wise, you're going to have to be.
Okay, I notice footprints.
You notice some footprints that seem a very familiar size, headed off following the direction that you guys had left the cave from.
They look like they've been tried to be covered, but you make the outline of them.
Okay, I think you're right. I think this is the cave I brought back to. You know what? I got a new idea.
Let's double-time it to the raft, we'll fix and repair the raft, and then we'll take the raft back down to produce.
You don't have to walk. I agree. Sully, you were right from the beginning. I'm so sorry. We should just take the raft.
Hold on, let me bask in this revelation because I don't get to hear these words very often.
However, what you are suggesting is between now and nightfall that we double back, change the raft into a wagon?
No, we repair the raft as a raft.
And then we continue?
On the raft? Yeah. To produce.
We didn't continue on the raft before because...
I thought a straw would do us good. A constitutional, my dad said. Why don't you take a constitutional? It's good for the soul.
Oh, okay. I looked at the others like, oh, I don't know what...
And what time is it now? So it's probably like 5 p.m.?
Yeah, but I'm thinking now let's double time to the raft.
Or maybe we could just push the raft into the water, fix it enough, and just camp on the water. Yeah.
Camping on the water seems like a risky move on our part.
Especially, I mean, we get back just in time to fix it, maybe before dark, and then on the river in the dark with the rapids. It doesn't seem safe.
Also, why are you so sketchy all of a sudden? Is it because of that thing that's in the cave that you were so scared of?
No, not anymore. Zoe, can I talk to you over here just by the talking tree?
Yep.
Zoe, I feel like we're connected back there, right? I feel like you get me.
Oh yeah, for sure. I've been high on so many things.
I may have done something in the last town where I met you that there may be some people looking for me, and maybe we should just not be here.
What'd you do?
It doesn't matter, but right now we just need to not be here.
Stop.
It really needs to not be there.
What if we could help you solve your problem? If they're here for you, they're just going to follow us up the river anyway.
Yeah, I'm not sure how they followed us here, because we took the raft. It's the only raft.
Was it your raft?
Um, not exactly.
Okay, so you stole someone's raft, and now they're after you, and they've put us...
I borrowed it. I repurposed it slightly.
And now they're here to exact their revenge.
Yeah, maybe.
Cool. And they've trapped us in some sort of, like, forest... loop?
Yeah! It's a magical forest loop! You got it!
And you think we're actually going to be able to get out of this magical forest loop by just going in the opposite direction?
I didn't think of that, Zoe. This is why I'm glad I talked to you. You got the brains here. You need to help me.
Okay. I... I need to look back to my group. And I haven't been talking quietly. I don't know how far we are from you.
We're like five feet away.
I think we got it. I think we should let them in on it, because you know what? The three of us, we're a team. We're the Three Muskiritos.
Wow! Yeah, I've never... I've never... I've always dreamed of having a team! That'd be amazing!
Whoa, hold on.
Yeah, let's do it! Okay, guys, come on! Come on! Let's team it up here!
The Three Muskiritos!
Yeah, the Three Muskiritos!
One, two, three. Yep.
Yeah.
Alright, you guys, we've got a little bit of a situation here.
Yeah, I figured. What's going on?
Well, you probably heard, because, um, well, uh, Gru just screams things all the time.
He's a little yelly.
But he has absolutely completely stolen that raft, refurbished it of some way, somehow, I don't know.
And then people are after him, and maybe they've stuck us in some sort of foresty time loop.
Oh.
Which I feel like is more than we bargained for.
Yeah, it's all I took was the raft. That's it. I swear.
I mean, you saying that now...
Yeah, what else did you take?
...makes it seem like that's not the case.
Was there an easier way to get to Badoosk other than the raft, because you'd stolen the raft, we had to take that? Is that what happened?
Did you only take the job to Badoosk to get away from some other shady shit that you had going on?
It's got to be that one, right?
Guys!
It's got to be that one.
Guys, I think they're here! I hear them! They're in the trees right now! We should be quiet!
I mean...
Do I hear anything?
Blast houses, Rue.
You listen for a while, and you hear... yeah, you do hear... something in the trees, yeah.
Okay, so it's not completely a nut job. There's something in the trees.
Maybe we should wake up to something that's in the cave, and they'll fight to something that's in the trees.
Yeah! So, I can see why you're the brains of the operation!
That's right, Rue, you get in there, you wake up that bugbear, whatever the fuck is in there, and it'll take care of the situation for us.
I'll be over here.
Wait, what? I don't know if I should be the one to go in the cave, you know?
You don't have to go in the cave, just keep talking the way you're talking, just slightly toward the opening of the cave, and that'll do the trick.
Yeah. Oh, why? Why? You want me to be loud and wake up the thing in the cave? Okay.
I don't really think it's a matter of want at this point.
It's just embracing, like, what is, just embracing reality and loudness.
Just using the natural strengths you have.
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, my strengths, I can talk it up, I can do this!
While you're talking loudly, maybe you could answer, who's after you? What do we have to deal with?
Or what does the creature in the cave have to deal with, however that plays out?
Yeah, you know, it's just a couple of brothers, you know, nothing, just a couple of brothers maybe might have followed me here, that's all.
Yeah, that's all. I was hoping we'd get out of town fast.
Well, they got a funny name, the brothers, you know, it's just a funny name, it's hysterical, it's a funny name, that's all, you know, yeah.
Well, they're just called the Scrap Killer Brothers, you know, it's just a funny name.
The Scrap Killer Brothers?
Yeah.
That's a lot better than the Three Muskiritos, I have to say.
Yeah, maybe we should consider toughening up the team name a little.
Well, it depends on what kind of vibe we want to give to people, I guess.
Hey, if we take them out, we can be the Three Scaparillas!
I think we're gonna workshop it a little more.
Yeah.
Right, I get that, I get that.
So there's only two of them then?
Yeah, well, usually, sometimes, you know, it's a big family.
Well, how many brothers are there?
Well, technically there's nine, but they don't always come out all together, you know, you see, you know, I only dealt with like two of them, but, you know, it's a, you know, it's a family.
Alright, are they, is there anything specifically very frightening about them?
Are they like, like, stabby kind of people, or like magic, or are they giant ogres, or?
Well, the word kill isn't their name, I just want to point that out.
Well, there's so many ways to kill somebody though, Gru.
Well, I don't know, everyone who's crossed them sort of goes missing, you know?
And you willfully cross them.
Well, no, no, it was just a small misunderstanding, you see.
Yeah.
You hear a low voice come from the trees, a ways off based on what you're hearing, and you hear Gru.
Come here, buddy.
Okay, I'm gonna go in the cave and wake up whatever's in there, I'll be right back.
Do it, man, I think this is a fucking awesome idea.
Welcome to the middle.
See how I jumped in?
Oh, hey, it's the middle.
I like it.
It's the middle.
I like this new take charge Amy that we got going on.
She's new?
No, but taking charge of.
Well, when it comes to the middle.
Taking charge of the middle.
New.
Fresh, exciting.
I love it.
So great.
Well, it's just, you know, they just heard my voice all of a sudden off the top, how weird.
Yeah.
Russ is scared to say anything now.
No, now he wants to see.
I'm just gonna let you run.
He wants to see what you're gonna do.
He just wants to see if we can do it.
And he's like, she doesn't even know what happens in the middle.
Listen here, folks.
I know what happens in the middle.
This is where we talk about all of our wonderful things we have going on.
Like first up, Patreon.
Our patrons are like the most awesome people in the entire world.
And what we like to do with them sometimes is once a month we have a Google hangout.
They used to be called gook hangs, but now it's just like a hangout time.
And what did we do today, Tom?
Or yesterday, Tom?
We played Jackbox games and it was super fun.
And with not only between us, but also with our patrons.
Yeah.
So we played with some of our patrons and we're going to maybe do it again sometime
in the next month because, you know, the world's a bit crazy right now.
We could all use some fun and some social interaction apart.
That's right.
Yes.
It's a really distant interaction.
Exactly.
And Amy, where do people go on Patreon to find our Patreon?
Where they go on Patreon to find our Patreon.
Let me tell you about Patreon, Tom.
They go to Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Russ nodded.
He's very proud.
That's how I earn my time.
No, but our patrons are super funny.
They're super great.
And we would love you to become one.
And if you can't though, that's cool too.
We have so much awesome stuff going on just like on the regular feed.
You know who else has awesome stuff going on?
Sean.
This week's guest.
Yeah.
He's so great.
And I say that as someone who has all the reason in the world to have a grudge against him.
Yes, that's true.
So if you know that Carla said it, you know it's true.
But he's the best.
He's so fun when he comes on our show.
And you know what that translates into?
His shows are also amazing.
That's true.
He doesn't save it just for us.
He also puts that much fun and effort into his.
He's on Alba Salix as well as The End of Time and Other Brothers.
The End of Time and Other Brothers, yeah.
So you should listen to those shows.
Oh, and DM to GM with our very own Russ More.
And DM to GM.
Russ is pointing at his dick.
I'm not entirely sure.
No, he really was pointing at his penis.
I'm sorry, but that is what was happening.
I don't know what he was wanting us to say.
I'm not entirely sure.
He's gone selective nudism at this moment because he's so sharp.
Was he pointing at the shirt that he's wearing?
I mean, he's pointing at Discord.
Or, oh, all the links will be found below.
Oh, there we go.
That makes so much more sense.
That makes much more sense than him pointing at his dick.
So no, all the information can be found in the links below.
No more information about my husband's dick, unfortunately.
Just information about Sean's podcasts.
I want to be very specific.
And our Patreon and everything else that we have going on.
Absolutely.
That was like the lowest pressure middle I've ever had to do.
So thanks, everybody.
That was great.
No problem.
See, we can do stuff.
All right.
Like once a year we can do stuff.
Once a year the three of us can do what you normally do.
Yeah, if you could not charades on the side.
Super confusing.
Two out of three of us thought you were pointing at your dick.
I mean, kind of also was, but you got there.
I did.
You got there.
Thanks, everybody.
We'll get you back to the episode now.
That's all.
I'm just here to cut everything off and send you back to the show.
OK, bye.
We're going on forever.
Love you.
Bye.
You guys, I think we should maybe hide in the trees.
I don't know.
I think for right now, I mean, I need some more information about these Scrap Killer
brothers.
And there's nine of them and maybe they're giant ogres or who knows.
Yeah, let's hide and get some some some intel.
I like I think that's a good idea.
And we definitely hide and not tell Guru about it.
When he comes out, there's no one.
The three of you make stealth checks.
Twenty five.
Sixteen.
Seventeen.
OK, you three run off and you hide in the trees.
As far as you're concerned, you're hiding very well.
Guru, you bound off into the cave.
You push through the vines again, kind of stomp into the stream and you hear
that low growl coming from the back of the cave again.
So Gru's just literally stepping through the vines and immediately going to the
side of the cave and just like shaking against the wall.
OK.
The three of you are standing out there waiting and you're waiting for a few
minutes before you hear the voice again.
It actually continues on and off throughout this last couple of minutes.
Gru.
Come on, buddy, we don't want to hurt you.
And then stepping out into the clearing, coming the way you guys came back, are two
hulking human males, big, beefy arms, like arms bigger than any of your necks.
They walk out.
They're wearing torn, tattered jeans, button up shirts.
They have each of them has like two large daggers on either side and a machete on the
back of on their backs.
And they step out into the clearing and they're kind of looking down at the
footprints and they say, Gru, we know you're here, friend.
You just have to come out and talk to us.
That's all.
And they wait a moment.
You wait and they look at each other and then they start looking at the footprints
and they see that they go off in several different directions.
And one of them starts following towards where Glim had run off.
Doesn't look like they've noticed you, but they're following your footprints.
The other one is following footprints that head towards the cave.
I would like to ready an action.
If I notice that this dude gets too close to where Glim is hiding, I am going to
shoot him with my short bow.
I am also going to ready an action.
But my action is just a punch, just an unarmed strike.
I don't know about this Gru.
I don't know about these dudes.
I can't just be killing people.
Gru, you hear footsteps walking towards the cave.
Gru, come out, come out, buddy.
So Gru is putting his hand on his dagger.
Okay.
But not drawing it.
Okay.
The man walking was following where Glim went.
I was searching around for a rock or something I could throw towards the back
of the cave.
Yep.
You definitely find that.
Yep.
Do you throw it?
Yep.
You throw that and you hear like a argh.
And it turns out it's just a pile of puppies in the back.
Oh great.
Back outside you see the man walking towards where Glim was and gets within
five or ten feet.
Sully, you can see Glim hidden behind a...
What are you hidden behind?
Talking rock.
I know.
I'm like, well we're in the woods so I guess like a tree?
Okay.
Perfect.
I'll let you pick.
You see Glim huddled behind a tree, fist cocked, ready to go.
But you see him stepping towards her.
So if you're going to take a shot, he's walking towards not stopping.
I would also like to do a little something.
Alright, while she's got ready to action then you can do what you want to do.
Okay.
I'm going to let loose my short bow thingy.
You gotta roll.
I know.
But I'm not aiming for him.
I'm going to aim for the tree beside his head because he's coming up to the tree, right?
Yep.
Yeah.
Wait, so the tree I'm hiding behind or a different tree?
Yep.
The tree you're hiding behind.
Okay.
It's a 17.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm sure it wouldn't take very much to hit a non-moving object.
Tree that's big enough for me to hide behind.
I'm pretty big.
Exactly.
Your crossbow bolt flies and sticks into the tree and the guy looks up and says,
And he's following a line of sight to where you shot the crossbow bolt.
Inside the cave, you hear movement from the back of the cave.
As the vines begin to part, you see the big hand of Eugene reaching through the vines.
Alright, I draw the dagger.
What happens when you draw the dagger?
Music starts to play.
What kind of music?
What music?
Yeah.
No idea.
I'm so horrible at music.
You stole me.
I told you not to steal me.
You stole me.
You turned gone in the cave and you stole me, stole me.
And I try and stab the hand.
Roll with advantage because I mean up until that moment, he didn't know where you were.
So I'll give you that.
I rolled two two's back to back.
So that's a nine.
That's right.
Get your own dice stick, man.
That's a nine.
As soon as it starts singing, you hear just a loud roar, growl-ish roar coming from the back of the cave.
And you stab for the hand, but go far wide.
And then another hand grabs you by the scruff of the neck and yanks you out of the cave and says that dagger should be singing for me, grew.
Okay.
And I shove it into his mouth.
Scruff of the neck.
Sure.
So you're shoving it in to stab him in the face?
Yeah.
Oh.
Alright.
Roll with advantage.
Oh, that's better.
Not natural 20.
Okay.
Describe to me what it looks like when you stab this man in the mouth.
I just blindly close my eyes and shove it at his face.
12 damage.
12?
No, 13 damage.
13?
Okay.
Oh no, I rolled a D6.
Sorry.
This is very confusing.
Okay.
Eight damage.
You stab this man square in the mouth as he opens up and says that was supposed to be my dagger, grew.
And on grew it goes into his palate and he screams as it's now lodged in his mouth, singing out.
What's it singing, Amy?
Oh no, you stabbed him.
Oh, you stabbed him in the mouth.
I can't believe it.
No, I didn't.
I didn't mean to.
The man who was following the cross bolt turns around and says what's going on here?
And he starts to run towards grew and the other man.
I totally stay where I am because I feel like this is none of my business.
You get dropped, grew, so he lets you go and he's trying to pull the dagger back out.
Okay.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
I'm going to, the other guy is running towards them, right?
Yep.
I'm going to cast frostbite in the area that the man is running towards, so basically right in front of him.
Okay.
And as I cast this spell, which I'm pretty sure I do have to roll for.
I think it's a...
Oh no, he'll have to do a save.
It's a thing that happens automatically.
Okay.
As I reach my hand out and go to cast this spell, but instead of frostbite, all of a sudden I have cast crate bonfire,
even though I don't know the name of that spell, but I've created a bonfire on the ground directly in front of where this man is running.
Okay.
I'm going to say deck saving throw at disadvantage and he rolls a 10.
Alright, that is not good enough.
So he stumbles forward as he's running towards Gru and falls face first into the open flame.
And now he's screaming as his clothes alight and the man pulls the dagger and blood begins spurting out.
So graphic.
And the dagger sings, I wanted to break free.
And then I got free.
Gru, take me with you so we can have much more fun like this.
Gru starts vomiting.
Okay.
So you have a man on fire.
He's like trying to push himself up and out.
There's a man bleeding profusely out of his mouth.
He's gagging and grasping for air.
The three of you are hiding behind trees or rocks or something.
What do you do?
Gru has doubled over vomiting.
And Gru's vomiting.
Moot just stares at his hand like that's not what was supposed to happen.
So he's in a little bit of shock right now.
I mean, I was sort of hanging back because it just seems like some criminal on criminal violence and I'm not sure how invested I am.
Yeah, same here.
I just wanted him away from Glim.
Did it?
And now people are on fire.
Now he's been stabbed.
So I think that now I'll come out into the clearing.
Yeah, maybe me too.
Just kind of like walk up and look.
What's going on?
It's a fucked up situation.
Moot, nice work with the getting us ready for camp with the fire.
The man in the fire begins screaming.
I guess I'll go pull him out of the fire.
I mean, I'm immune to it.
It's not going to hurt me.
Yeah, that's fine.
At least I could do, I guess.
You pull him out.
His clothes are completely like burned off of him.
He's lying there and he looks over to Gru and he says,
There's more coming, Gru.
And he passes out.
OK, so from what I've been watching on the sidelines, this is like a fucking soap opera.
You stole his singing knife.
It wasn't really his, you know.
So how many things have you stolen?
Get a hold of yourself, man.
You got a little vomit there.
Sorry, thanks.
See, it wasn't his.
He was going to steal it.
And then I just, it sang to me.
It was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my life.
So I took it and I ran away.
But they were going to steal it from the goblins.
It just wanted their jam.
They murdered so many of them.
Well, I can't say I'm awfully sad about that.
Those fucking turnt goblins took all our money.
They did take all our money.
After we made that huge investment in their economic development.
Yeah, it's really, that's what hurt the most.
It's just a massacre of goblins and jam.
And I just took the dagger and ran.
So you've been on the run ever since?
Yeah.
And then I ran into you and you were all looking for a guide.
And I said, well, I can help you.
But really, I was just desperate.
I needed to get out of town.
See?
Every time I took the knife out of its scabbard,
it started doing what it's doing right now, singing.
We killed them so good.
See?
Well, maybe you could put that back in the scabbard.
Yeah.
And then maybe you could just leave it on one of their bodies.
But they're both still alive, I think, right?
Yeah.
And then we could just whistle and walk away.
And at this moment, you realize Sully couldn't whistle.
You hear like a gargle coming from the man who was stabbed in the throat,
like just his like last breath, like,
and he stops moving.
But I feel like now he can't really use it, you know?
Well, yeah, but the burnt up guy is probably going to be fine.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll just leave it with him.
I'll just go tuck it here in his shirt.
And they definitely won't come after you for killing this other guy
in the throat with the knife.
Oh, God, you're right.
What am I thinking?
Oh, God.
Well, it's a good time as any to have a camp, I guess.
Moot, you got that fire going already.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah.
Should we be concerned about what's in that cave over there?
In that moment, a giant bug bear bursts from the vines.
Arrrrrgh!
I fucking knew it.
And charges towards Sully.
Please, we don't know who stand and where.
I'm just placing you in my mind.
Charges towards Sully.
Place me right in front of the bug bear is what you're doing.
Gru shoves Sully out of the way.
Sully, look out!
The grug, the grug bear.
The bugbear comes flying...
It's one of those nasty grub bears that eats grubs!
...with two claws.
One of them goes wide, the other one catches Gru straight across the chest as he pushes Sully out of the way.
Gru, you're gonna take...
...seven points of slashing damage.
I'm gonna take half of that, because I'm Candy Dodge, because I totally thought about this in advance when I did something that looked like it might have been selfless.
Oh, shit.
The bugbear is now in the center of you, and he's...
...he's just kind of standing waiting.
Looking...
...seeing what's going on, smelling the blood that's in the air, the burnt, charred corpse.
I'm gonna disengage and slowly back away, going,
Look at all this fresh meat here, Mr. Grub Bear!
Uh, roll persuasion.
Fifteen...
...plus...
...nine.
Whoa.
No wonder why you took him as a guide, he's very persuasive.
Yeah, very persuasive.
Uh, it looks to you...
...and then it looks down at the bodies there, and starts moving...
Yummy, yum, yum!
...starts moving slowly towards the charred, unconscious man.
I'm gonna move away from him, because I did just pull him out of the fire.
Yeah, let's all move away.
I'm just gonna back up slowly, but I'm gonna raise my arm so I look really big.
Uh, I'm gonna Homer Simpson into the shrub, just like, just vanish slowly.
Um, you see, as you all kind of back away and disperse from the scene,
the bugbear, like, senses that the guy is still alive, and takes one swipe across its throat,
and then starts dragging the bodies back into its cave.
With the knife still on the body?
With the knife still tucked into his shirt?
Well, I may have forgotten to actually tuck it in the shirt, I was gonna, you know?
I was really meanin' to do it, but you know, there's a lot happenin' at the time!
It falls off, just bumps off right at the mouth of the cave.
Does it start singing?
Jump?
Is that pulling it out of its scabbard?
Did you sheath it when you put it back?
I never put it in a shirt.
Oh.
Don't leave me now.
How could I?
Gru come back, don't leave me now.
I'm here for you, darlin', I got you, I got you!
Gru, you run over, make a dexterity saving throw.
Uh, fourteen plus six, twenty.
You run to the dagger as it's singing towards you, and you pick it up, and narrowly miss
a giant claw that comes out and tries to pull you into the cave as you back up.
Well, I'm big!
Talk about disrespect!
Gave you two bodies!
Not one, but two bodies.
Two bodies.
Anybody got a sheath for this thing, cause it won't stop singing?
What happened to the one you had?
Is it the one still on your body?
Did you like?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Alright, I'll sheath it.
Okay, well maybe we go back to the river, and we all just kinda go our separate ways,
and never talk about the situation again.
Yeah, no, it makes sense, yeah.
The four of you walk back to the river where the ship was.
Was?
Hmm, was.
And see-
I may have tethered the lines and put a hole in it so it would sink so no one
could use it, cause I was afraid I was gonna be followed, you see.
The ship now sits at the bottom of the river with a flag sticking up out of it
that is singed and on fire.
But I didn't light it on fire, that wasn't me.
The intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin McLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
All other music, sound effects, and ambience can be found at epidemicsound.com.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers Christian Brown, Creighton's Raven, Devin
Michael's, Gabriel Lynch, Jacob Madden, Joshua Dixon, CatWaterflame, and Stevie.
To become a patron visit Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast where you get exclusive content
including an entire exclusive campaign, Dumgeon's downtime episodes, early access
to our new show Facing Fate, as well as a whole slew of other amazing bonus exclusive
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Visit Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast to check it out today.
Yeah, this cave looks really familiar, I never forget a big hole.
I could have kept it together if I had looked at Carla.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.